Why is that a man that is so strong in so many areas and excels above and beyond in almost every thing; cannot walk away from a cancerous situation. Everything about it he knows to be cancerous... Its fruit is rotten, its memories are painful, almost cost his family and freedom. Yet like a wounded puppy, insanely almost hopeful...
When does one realize that you cannot nor should not try to help someone who does not want help?
The ability to admit to oneself a weakness, is it really or is it an excuse to not have to face something challenging?
In a mind that is conflicted, torn in three separate ways if not more...What is the proper corse of action?
How can one ever be at rest when one can never stop tearing ones own mind apart?
Over and Over again this cycle of up and down and CRAZY... no control!!! One day I'm strong, the next back to the wounded puppy, losing my mind and being ripped apart from the centre of the chest. Pacing, waiting for a reply I know I don't want, uncontrollable thoughts... feel the pressure building... time for medicine.
Well, alone... Childless after four great days and nights... only four more sleeps I tell myself... But that seems like an eternity to not hear a child laugh, or say "I love you"
Alone, thats the killer... Alone my thoughts will batter me through out the evening, into my sleep and till the saving rays of the dawns light awaken me.
Oh, how I hate being alone... it is something I need to learn how to do... But am afraid, very afraid! I am not sure I am strong enough to make it...
Never enough time with the children, just enough to get used to them pattering around then in a blink hauled off away... honestly makes me mad at the world...
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