It is considered normal, this is what they say... You are not, this is what they say.
So it has been two months now since I have been diagnosed with BPD, PPD, APD...
I have started to come to grips with these conditions, well as much as anyone can I guess.
I am torn between two places, one so bad for me... one so good that I cannot see the trees for the forest.
How does anyone that faces challenges well, go through everything at once? Divorce, career, ex-girlfriend, new girlfriend, new residence, maintenance enforcement, diagnosis with cancer, diagnosis with personality disorders, dying family members, the inability to talk to anyone about it and the burning feeling of being alone; Not to mention the children... the ones that always seem to get put back a few... well I'm sick as hell about that. Thats what this whole world is about, THE CHILDREN!
Well, the children thats always the catch isn't it. They are just leaving now after 4 great days... Now I am sitting here alone and left to my thoughts... Should be an interesting evening.
First the annoyed feelings set in, then the suspicion, then the feelings of abandonment... All the middle time filled with jealousy, paranoia, and anger...
So much left unfinished...
Divorce: Fuck you! I say... I committed, you lied!
Career: Ever feel like you can do more, be better, reach higher?
Thats where I am at.
Ex-Girlfiend: Well now, all the reference to crazy and cancerous is for this special lady...
New Girlfriend: Well, where to start? There are many good things about this one, like the song says my next girl won't be anything like my ex girl... home run to that! But wait...
How many times can a man listen to one thing then watch another be done? Walking contradiction, oblivious to the surroundings... Not intentionally, but still... very aggravating.
New Residence: BAD IDEA, good idea to get out of where I was, HOWEVER bad idea to move to where I am... Great location, great flat, affordable and semi-convienent, the rest is to be left to the imagination.
MEP: Well basically all my own fault, but still SUCKS ASS...
good news on this topic should have my driving papers back soon. (if they ever call)
Cancer: Well, we will just leave this one alone because I have yet to come to terms with it.
BPD/PPD/APD: LMFAO... where do I start... I am a walking conflict!!!! I cannot even get on with myself very well. The inner conflict I have is almost indescribable. But I'll try I guess...
... ... ...
Dying: It is inevitable, horrible, awesome, happy and sad all rolled in to one.
The Inability to talk to anyone: Oh there is no shortage of offers to listen, laughable at best really. The feelings of distrust prevent me from talking with many about true feelings. All to often do I let someone in and in a short time it is pushed in my face. There for I just don't do it much anymore. Need to a lot more but do and need are two completely different things.
The Children: God Bless Them!
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